First Things First: How Children and Iran are Similar

We have all heard our parents and our grandparents talk about how easy kids have it today. Most kids take some form of motorized transportation to get to school. And for those that are still burdened with grueling uphill climbs (both ways I might add), global warming has all but taken care of the waist deep snow. They can thank the carbon emissions from their friends' mothers' Suburbans for that. When kids come home, it's off to the XBox, or Wii, or Playstation for a few hours. Since no child can be left behind in education, they don't really have to worry about homework. Good, that means more quality time can be spent with their parents, or their video games, which is the only parental guidance kids need these days. We have also hear about how our parents were s@#%*ed as children (the "S" word, for those who refuse to conform to censorship means spanked) and that is why they turned out so well. How does this affect me? I mean, I turned out alright. Keep reading. Maybe our parents are right.

Iran is the quintessential modern day American child. Let me explain. All of us who have kids, or who have been kids (and maybe still are) know that children are irrational and temperamental at times. Now back in the day, when a kid had an outburst any good parent would perform one of the following disciplinary actions. For uncooperativity, kids were locked in their rooms. Failure to do the weekly chores resulted in a loss of allowance (really good parents demanded 100% completion for any allowance). For inappropriate behavior around other people, including disrespect for any adult, they were grounded for at least a week. No questions asked. Now moving to the weightier infantile infractions. For verbal outbursts, soap was used to clean the foulness from the kids mouth. When they hit another kid, they were s#$%@ed. One s*&#$ if the kid was justified for hitting the other, multiple s@%$#s depending on how poor the given excuse was. The unspeakable sin was talking back to the parents, especially the mom. Oh no, no soap or spanks. That poor kid wasn't that fortunate. The only justifiable punishment for talking back was Mr. Belt. Yep, Mr. Belt. And for your information, I was introduced several times to Mr. Belt growing up. Contrast the good ol' days with today. Today, many kids don't receive any discipline at all because both parents work all day; when they get home they feel guilty and compensate by buying their kids a lot of crap. Other kids go undisciplined because, "Oh, Aiden has ADHD" or "Grace has a little case of Oppositional-Defiant Disorder." I've seen it a hundred times. Come on people! Every kid has a hard time paying attention at school, and you can bet that every kid has ODD when the only discipline they receive is a, "Now Jackson, we don't do that." Unbuckle the belt and show them you're serious!

I hope the new number one baby name for 2008 is Iran, because we treat them just like every other kid in America. Ever since the Iranian Islamic Revolution in 1978, Iran has acted like an Oppositional-Defiant, spoiled brat American kid. And what have we done to correct the behavior? Sanctions. Whoopdee doo! That's like grounding your kid for every mistake they make. Punishment must fit the crime. So if you're kid tells a dirty joke, what do you do? Read the above befitting consequence if you can't remember, but please don't ground them. Eventually the punishment, if used repeatedly and universally loses its sting. But I'll tell you all from experience, Mr. Belt never EVER lost his sting. I tried to learn my lesson each time he and I met.

So let me ask a question. If your kid steals something and you find out, what do you do? Not what America did when Iran stole 52 of our diplomats for 444 days from late 1979 to early 1981. More than a year of failed diplomacy and a failed military rescue mission? Is that all we really have? Really? When your kid steals something, first thing you do is make the kid confront the owner of the stolen object and apologize for the lack of judgment. Then the kid returns the object in the best condition possible, or the compensation for it (which comes from allowance, and at a very hefty interest rate if the funds aren't currently available). And then the kid gets disciplined at home. When 52 US citizens become hostages, we should raise all sorts of h@$# (heck, for the anti-censored). You show the new fledgling Mullocracy that we mean business. And if they harm the hostages, well then, it's Mr. Belt. No questions.

Lets move to more modern examples of my argument. Iran is widely considered the largest state sponsor of terrorism in the world. So what do you do when you find out your kid beats up another kid at school? Or worse yet, what do you do when you find out your kid is the bully at school? In case you forgot the punishment for physical aggression, it's the "S" word. You spank 'em. And if the become repeat offenders? You got it. Mr. Belt! So when we find evidence of the Iranian Revolutionary Guard training fighter to enter Iraq, or transporting armor penetrating explosive devices into Iraq, or training Hezbollah fighters to kidnap Israeli soldiers, what do we do? Pass non-binding resolutions and unilateral sanctions (half-hearted big six sanctions at best). So you kill us, literally, on multiple fronts, and we'll ki...uh, ground you from your Nintendo for a week. I'm serious, we'll do it!

No wonder Iran is acting the way they are. They're just like every ADHD ODD child in America whose parents threaten with non-consequential disciplinary actions and never deliver. So when Iran continues to hide its nuclear program, what should we do? What do we do when our kids hide drugs? I hope every parent out there would go into their kid's room, without permission, and search every nook and corner for evidence of drugs. And if you don't find it, you watch every move they make, because you can ill afford to have your child become a drug addict. Nuclear weapons are like drugs, and should only be used as prescribed by a professional. The professional today is the IAEA. If you don't comply, you get searched and everything remotely related to the offensive material is seized. Asking for it doesn't cut it. "If you don't give me your drugs, then I'll ground you." Who has ever heard such nonsense! "If you don't give it to me now, I will take it from you. And if you ever, ever do drugs again, you will be sent to a military school." (Mr. Belt only works for kids up to about 10 or 11, FYI) That sounds like a much more reasonable punishment.

I could go on. I read a great article on our blunders with Iran in the Wall Street Journal. Read it if you want an informative opinion on why our "grounding" of Iran is a crappy disciplinary policy. http://online.wsj.com/article/SB120103739264407641.html?mod=googlenews_wsj.
My point is that America's children and Iran are in the same position of perceived power only because we empower them through hollow and misdirected discipline. So let's go back to the good ol' days of our parents and grand parents and raise useful kids, and hey, we might learn a thing or two about how to deal with ODD 3rd world bullies.

Blogdor strikes again! (For the first time really)

P.S. I really don't think parents should spank or Mr. Belt their kids if they possess the intellectual capability to adequately and appropriately discipline their kids using other meanse. But since that is pretty rare, only spank when you yourself are not acting out of irrationality or anger. You also might want to try giving them a good hard flick.


The Tolboes said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ashley said...

Babe, I love how you always do everything with such wisdom and insight; I have been doing this blog thing for almost a year, yet you whip one out of your hat in a day that is already more focused and better organized than mine will ever be. No belting our kids though. PS you need to fill in your profile so your name appears somewhere and people know who you are.

Heather said...

Adam, after all of it, you turned out. I wondered sometimes, but you pulled through.
I, for one, agree that a well placed, appropriate flick is remembered longer than words. My kids don't hear me when I ask them to put on their socks and shoes let alone to not fight with each other. Parents these days are doing a huge disservice to humanity.
And welcome to the blog world!

Benjamin J Burr said...


The best way to figure out if Adam turned out is to look at Cam - not Adam. There is a trickle down effect.

Heather said...

We're in trouble then.