Loma Linda, CA is a quiet town, centered around a religious health professions university. The average age is 95, give or take, and the average lifespan is 125, give or take, and most everyone is vegetarian, give or take. Just think of the "Little Town" song on Beauty and the Beast. That's Loma Linda. Except it's not French. You'd naturally assume all was peaceful in Loma Linda, until you scratched the surface...

In the recent months, Loma Linda has become a hotbed of fiery politics, fierce lobby groups, and fiendish campaign tactics. Since pretty much every one in Loma Linda is too old to own a computer, people feel the best way to campaign is through yard signs. Every house has at least 15 of them. And what's at stake? Good question. What is ever at stake when the average voter is 95 years old. The price of Ovaltine and the number of handicap spots at the bingo hall? No way. What's at stake is that every "other" candidate is an elementary school, green space, library, university, clean air, controlled growth hater, while the "I" candidate is the type you'd let your 16 year old daughter stay out with past midnight.

So I, and just about every other resident in Loma Linda with an email address, received an unsolicited campaign message. I mean this guy was good. He represents every thing I want. And he promises that everything the others have said about him is false. So he's got to be great. But that's beside the point. In response to his email, Mr. ANGRY LOMA LINDA RESIDENT!! wrote the following, and I quote:

"I am deeply offended by your unsolicated campaigne methods to my personal email. As a resident of Loma Linda I find your SATURATION of campaigning offensive!
Regrettably, I will now make my decision NOT to vote for [candidate], not on his plateform but on his campaigne tactics!!

Let's point out what's amiss with this response.
1. We don't live in the UK. We don't put Es on the end of words to sound more traditional.
2. English isn't a language necessitating ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS ENDING EVERY SENTENCE!!
3. Voting based on plateform is so prejudiced. Seriously, just because someone is a vegetarian doesn't mean you can't vote for them. Could you imagine an America where people voted based on race, or even gender? Come now Mr. ANGRY LOMA LINDA RESIDENT!! please don't vote based on plateform.
4. Mr. ANGRY LOMA LINDA RESIDENT!!, you epitomize the typical Amercian voter. Does, "I'm not voting for McCain because I hate Bush" sound familiar? Please read this enlightening article for more on this. You really aren't going to vote based on platform? You are going to vote based on campaign tactics you dislike least? That philosophy makes a complete mockery of democracy as we know it. I mean, Americans are dying in Iraq right now so you can vote. And this is what you do with it. So let me get this straight, Mr. ANGRY LOMA LINDA RESIDENT!!. You'd would vote for say, Hugo Chavez, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, or Josef Stalin, if they were the candidate that didn't send you an unsolicited email.

My pointe is that unless you are willing to carefully study out each candidate's platform (or plateform), and make a decision based on logic and analysis, then DON'T VOTE!! You heard me. Don't vote. I would rather give up my right to vote to a few Americans who intimately and pristinely understood each candidate's platform, and how each policy would affect America, than to have 300 million Americans voting in a manner similar to Mr. ANGRY LOMA LINDA RESIDENT!!.


Michelle Tolboe said...

I thought you voted for who's sign was the cutest and who seemed the nicest??

ps have you also been getting phone calls because I get about three a day about the san bern stupid people being in jr high and tryig to gossip about the other. Livin the dream!

Josh & Kenna said...

First, you have been on my link list forever, but I will make it more 'noticable' somehow. Second, I am in now way stronger than Ash. She is my example of how to be strong. Third, your comment convinced me to up tomorrow and face another day. You and Ash are probably sick of having to constantly encourage me. Fourth and last, thank you for linking my mediocre blog to your awesomely bad ass blog.

Oh, and the 'Life Isn't Beautiful Sometimes' was a great idea. Kudos.

Huh, your ad said I could meet sexy singles like me. Hmmm...

lauren said...

ah yes, if we could only suppress the utterly ignorant...

and you've totally been linked to my blog since the inception of your glorious blog, but you've now been all-capped.

Benjamin J Burr said...

By definition 50% of the population is below the median intelligence level and all it takes to get elected is 50% + 1 vote.